Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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