her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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