if i can run in heels then i can drive
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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