I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Girls should come with a carfax report
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
