so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
