you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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