I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
