So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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