How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
