You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
