i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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