I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
