I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
