I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
