i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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