I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
