we have officially lost it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
