filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
