So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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