you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
