He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
