I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
