finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
