I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
