Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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