She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
