I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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