I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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