I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize