Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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