we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
