Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
