If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
