we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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