I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize