I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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