I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
