You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
