i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize