thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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