I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We left the knife in your bed.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
