ya dads aren't the best wingmen
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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