you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
