I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You were trust falling into bushes
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
