Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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