can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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