i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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