sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
