dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
