Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up under a house in Key West
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
