I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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