taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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