Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My cat gives me a boner
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
