So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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