Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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