On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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