I can't watch pbs sober anymore
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
