How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
