you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
