my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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