i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
