That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
