Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
