I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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