Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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